Rob Lowe takes some comic heat at celebrity roast, but he's not the only one
The Roast of Rob Lowe
Getting roasted might be considered the low point of your career.
Or, it could be the Lowe point of your career. It all depends on how you look at it, and who you are.
The Roast of Rob Lowe airs Monday, Sept. 5, on the Comedy Network in Canada and on Comedy Central in the United States. The crazy and crude festivities took place last weekend and will be edited down for broadcast.
Lowe, of course, would seem to be a prime target for this kind of thing, as a good-natured pretty-boy actor who has been around for decades and has plenty of successes and failures and sex tapes on his resume.
But I do wonder sometimes, for these types of roasts, is it better to have someone who is completely on board, such as Lowe, or someone who perhaps isn't quite on board with everything, such as past roastees Justin Bieber or Pamela Anderson?
Lowe, at least, is smart enough to get all the insults hurled at him by the likes of “Roast Master” (a.k.a. host) David Spade, as well as Rob Riggle, Peyton Manning, Pete Davidson, Jeff Ross, Ann Coulter, Jewel, Ralph Macchio, Jimmy Carr and Nikki Glaser.
It wasn't exactly an A-list, even in terms of direct association with Lowe. As Macchio observed, “The biggest star you could get to show up tonight is Ralph Macchio? That's a quote from my kids.”
The best comic lines from the Roast of Rob Lowe have been revealed over the past week in various stories, although we can't be sure which barbs will make the final cut for TV. Some things get edited for quality, other things get edited for time – you know how it goes.
And apparently a large chunk of the proceedings wound up being an unofficial roast of Coulter, who is a right-wing political commentator in the U.S.
Nonetheless, of the lines that have been reported, with a conditional SPOILER ALERT, here are a few of my favourites:
David Spade to Rob Lowe: “We’re here to honour one of the biggest stars of 1987 with some of the biggest stars of 1984.”
David Spade to Rob Lowe: “It's not easy being Rob. He said being so handsome made it difficult for him to find meaningful roles. I wanted to ask Brad Pitt about that, but he was too busy acting in meaningful roles.”
Nikki Glaser to Rob Lowe: “I had such a crush on Rob as a little girl. If only I knew that’s when I would have had my best shot.”
Nikki Glaser to Ann Coulter: “What is it like to be a real-life super-villain? The only person you will ever make happy is the Mexican who digs your grave.”
Jewel to Ann Coulter: “I do want to say as a feminist that I can’t support everything that has been said tonight. But as someone who hates Ann Coulter, I’m delighted.”
Peyton Manning to Rob Lowe: “The only thing you are consistently on is Twitter, which is surprising because you've never been able to master one character, let alone 140.”
Rob Riggle to Rob Lowe: “Rob, in both your sex tapes, you appear with two other people. Dear God, man, you can’t even carry a sex tape.”
David Spade to Rob Lowe: “Rob came up at a time when a sex tape could really ruin your career. But Rob had to do it the hard way: With his acting.”
Jimmy Carr to Rob Lowe: “In the '80s Rob was a member of the Brat Pack. Or as they're now collectively known, the C-List.”
Jimmy Carr to Rob Lowe: “My friends back home aren’t going to believe me when I tell them I got to roast Charlie Sheen’s brother’s friend.”
Jeffrey Ross to Rob Lowe: “It’s not easy for actresses in their 50s, but you look hotter than ever, baby.”
Jewel to Peyton Manning: “Peyton Manning is here because Eli is still out there making his dad proud.”
Rob Lowe to Jewel: “After listening to your last album, I think you should go back to sleeping in your car –s with the engine running and the garage door closed.”
Ann Coulter to Jeffrey Ross: “Why is Jeff Ross at every roast? He thinks he deserves it, and everybody else just goes along with it. He’s like Hillary Clinton.”
Jeffrey Ross to Rob Lowe: “Roasting you wasn’t easy. What can I say that hasn’t been said in court by three nannies, a chef and an underage girl from Atlanta?”
David Spade to Rob Lowe: “For years Rob Lowe had a sex addiction. But he cured it by getting less famous.”
Rob Lowe to David Spade: “David, I loved you in 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter. I have one simple rule: Don’t videotape it.”