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Listening is the best way to get your point across, says Irshad Manji

New book Don't Label Me: An Incredible Conversation for Difficult Times delivers an interesting and unique conversation about bigotry, diversity and what we share as humans.

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When Irshad Manji began writing her latest book she knew she had to take a different approach to communicating with those that disagree with her then she had employed in the past.

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No longer would the outspoken educator, advocate and author of the lightning-rod books The Trouble With Islam Today (formerly called The Trouble With Islam) and Allah, Liberty and Love be a subscriber to the take-no-prisoners approach to getting her point across.

“As a matter of fact I did have an ah-ha moment. About three months into the writing of  Don’t Label Me I knew I did not want to lapse into a polemic again. This had to be something more inviting than a rant. I was frankly beginning to slide into my very opinionated way,” said Manji over the phone from Vancouver recently where she was visiting her mother and sisters.

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Enter Lily, an old deaf and blind Havanese-maybe-terrier-cross rescue dog. Lily was Manji’s first dog, as Manji was raised in a religious Muslim family that believed dogs were evil. Once over her fear, and all that past programming, Manji settled into life with Lilly.

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“One of the ways we bonded is that I would talk to her about the ideas swimming in my head,” said Manji, who lives in Honolulu with her wife Laura Albano and their rescue dogs.

‎From there, the idea for a new book about true, honest rapport was hatched. In Don’t Label Me: An Incredible Conversation for Divided Times, Manji has an imaginary conversation where Lily asks questions, presses points and, well, basically is the Devil’s advocate that tilts her little dog head while asking Manji, “Really?”

“When I began to write it as a dialogue between myself and Lily, the various pieces of what I wanted to say and how I was wanting to say it fell into place,” said Manji, who is the founder of the Moral Courage Project. “She plays the role in the book of challenging me at almost every turn.

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“She brought out the internal debate I’m having with myself. I knew if I was writing this as a conversation with Lilly that I would never become too harsh in the way I express myself, because I would never become harsh with Lilly.”

It may seem like a gimmicky construct, but it actually works as a way for Manji to argue that we need to lay aside our tribal tendencies and differences and really talk to the people we don’t agree with. We need to stop vilifying the other side and maybe they won’t retreat and then return with radical sentiments that can be found, say, in the white-nationalist movement.

It’s kind of how to avoid Backlash 101.

Manji’s strategic point in this book is clear and clever — and easily doable.

“I’m not asking anybody to compromise or dilute their convictions by listening to people who disagree with them, not at all. What I’m saying is you can both stand your ground and seek common ground so that you can be heard in a way that you wouldn’t have otherwise,” added Manji.

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According to the New York Times best-selling author, the best way to start this approach is kind of the best way to start anything, really — pause and take a breath.

“Let’s start with the basics. When you are, let’s use a buzzword of the day, triggered by somebody else’s beliefs, first take a breath. Literally just take a breath. Because when you do that you are working with your biology, not against it. And you’re literally decelerating the blood rush in your body,” said Manji. “You are slow jamming the primitive part of your brain. That allows you to, in fact, outwit the impulse to attack and to label. By slowing yourself down just a bit you are able to tap into the more evolved part of the brain that allows you to make more rational choices.”

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By “slow jamming,” our lizard brains, we are much more able to find a better balance between emoting and contemplating. If you truly listen to what the other person is saying you are offering up respect not giving up giving up power.

“We first need to remember the basic law of human psychology, which is this: if you want to be heard you have to first be willing to hear,” said Manji. “The more questions you ask the more heard they will feel.”

The idea of slowing down and taking a breath can also be a simple adjustment that reminds you to not jump to conclusions. Not to hastily attach labels.

For Manji, Lily was an example of the narrow and usually negative conceptions that come with looking at a book and deciding the cover was enough.

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“Whatever labels other people place on Lily, for example old and blind, they would never appreciate her fully if that was all they were going by,” said Manji about her late, great companion. “That again was a core lesson that I tried to impart in the book. That if we are really interested in diversity we won’t reduce people to the labels we have for them.”

Canadian author Irshad Manji is back with the new book Don’t Label Me. Photo: Mahatma Gandhi Institute of Education for Peace
Canadian author Irshad Manji is back with the new book Don’t Label Me. Photo: Mahatma Gandhi Institute of Education for Peace Photo by Mahatma Gandhi Institute of Education for Peace /PNG

And, as Manji pointed out on a recent guest spot on the HBO’s political show Real Time with Bill Maher, she herself has been covered with labels.

So, if we know it’s bad why can’t we stop the impulse to label others?

“The brain does need short cuts for the information coming our way. Of course the problem with those short cuts — and in life itself — is that sometimes, and in this case often, shortcuts actually get you more lost than you already feel,” said Manji.

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Looking back, Manji wishes she had practised what she is preaching now when she was travelling the world and scorching the earth with her speeches and interviews about the problems she had with the traditional beliefs of Islam.

As a young, gay female Muslim she wanted reform. She wanted her religion to move into the 21st century. What she got was a lot of interest from the media, some support, plenty of arguments and lots of death threats. In turn, she became fully loaded and spoiling for a fight.

“I wish I had done more of what I am writing about now,” said Manji. “I too was far too defensive and when people would label me rather than ask them, ‘hey just slow down here and let me slow down too. What do you mean by that? Where are you coming from?’” I wish I would have asked those questions instead of merely reacting.”

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Those reactive times caught up with Manji. She said the fights exhausted her, but she was scared to take off the gloves.

“I was afraid of what might happen. If I wasn’t doing another interview would I be irrelevant? That’s ego speaking. It is also the kind of ego that makes you say what you are told you are is what you are. Embrace it and don’t ask more questions because you might get lost along the way,” said Manji.

In June 2011, while just at the beginning of the book tour for Allah, Liberty and Love Manji was in the makeup room at an NBC studio when suddenly she collapsed.

That health scare caused her to check out of the book tour and check in on herself.

“It reminded me the world will stop spinning with or without my voice,” said Manji. “I realized I have to take the burden of winning off my shoulders and just have a conversation.”

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While 2019 Manji may be mellower in her approach she is by no means free of strong opinions. It’s just that, these days, those opinions are focused on how we can better discuss those opinions.

“If there is one thing I would like people to walk away with from this book it is the simple idea that you should take disagreement as an invitation to engagement. Not an invitation to detachment,” said Manji.

But Manji is clear that doesn’t mean compromising your beliefs in order to make the other person feel better.

“It’s not just a matter of being nice. That’s not what the book is about at all. It is a matter of being strategic and sincere so you will get the fair hearing that you deserve,” said Manji. “But you’ve got to be smart about it.

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“Bring your emotions down and listen to what the person you disagree with has to say. When you do you will glean information from that other person about what their values are and with that information you can actually reframe their point to them and they are able to hear it in a way they weren’t able to do before.”

Manji is putting her calm, measured argument where her mouth is and is encouraging people to go to her website (irshadmanji.com) where she has put all of her footnotes for Don’t Label Me. It’s there people are encouraged to disagree with her. Oh, but there is one rule: don’t be a jerk.

“The challenge for you, dear reader, is that the way you communicate your disagreement, the tone and the manner in which you do that,” said Manji. “If you communicate with me with grace then I will be motivated to rethink my position, and if I decide that you know you’ve made a good point and if you have actually inspired me to change my position, I will update my footnote and credit you for that change.

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“I want to be able to have that conversation with people who disagree with me,” added Manji.

Years ago, Manji said that her political leaning was “post wing.” When asked about that statement now, she says she is still not interested in being under anybody’s wing.

“I’m interested in taking a journey that really highlights the value of independent thinking and for that reason if I’m going to label myself anything it would be plural. I’m a plural.

“That is the beauty that pluralism is something we can practice as a way of respecting one another,” added Manji. “Whatever easy-peasy labels I have for you can never fully capture who you are. But the one label that can is plural because it doesn’t reach a conclusion about you. It tells the truth about how multi-faceted you actually are.”

And how willing you are to listen.

dgee@postmedia.com

twitter.com/dana_gee

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