SEX FILES: Are you dating Mom and Dad?
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My father lived with us until I was sixteen. Every day his routine was the same. He’d come home, say a quick hello, and sit in his favourite chair. Then he’d open the newspaper and tune out his family until dinner.
My sister and I would go to great lengths to captivate his attention; dancing, singing, and pawing at his newspaper – anything to get him to look up from the words on the page. Sometimes this worked, but more often than not, he continued to ignore us.
My dad was a good father in many other ways, but I remember feeling angry and frustrated that he’d rather read “a boring piece of paper” than engage with me.
Flash forward to last summer. I was on vacation with my then-partner for two weeks – a first for us as a couple. I noticed immediately that he’d spend hours listening to audiobooks and tuning me out when I wanted to connect.
At one point, I remember thinking, “Oh my god, I am dating my father. He’s just wearing a different outfit.”
I have a bad habit of dating men who look very different from my father but have the same avoidant qualities. According to experts, this is common.
“Our family of origin plays a major role in how we experience and view the world, especially when it comes to romantic partners. Depending on our experience growing up, we often gravitate toward romantic partners that are completely opposite of our parents or very similar to parents,” says Marissa Honjiyo, a marriage and family therapist at Spaces Therapy.
Attachment theory – the idea that the emotional bonds we form with our primary caregivers in early childhood influence how we show up in relationships as adults – is one explanation for this.
“Those who experienced neglect or inconsistency from caregivers might develop an anxious or avoidant attachment style, leading them to seek validation excessively or to distance themselves from intimacy in romantic relationships,” shares Jasmine Peterson, a personal trainer, nutritionist, and writer at NextLuxury.
In addition to attachment styles, many people will consciously or unconsciously seek relationship dynamics similar to those they saw modeled growing up.
“Parents’ relationships serve as the first and most influential example for children on how to navigate, interact, and communicate in romantic relationships. Children often observe and internalize behaviours, dynamics, and communication styles from their parent’s relationship,” explains Michelle Dees, a board-certified psychiatrist at Luxury Psychiatry Medical Spa.
Essentially, we gravitate to what is familiar – even if it’s abusive or unhealthy. “That is why it’s important to investigate, research, and understand what we are attracted to,” says Audrey Hope, a relationship expert and psychic therapist.
If you tend to date people eerily similar to Mom and Dad, here’s what the experts say.
Get curious.
To change a pattern, we first must recognize it. Relationship therapist, Pamela Peters, MFTC, encourages people to get curious about their experience with a not-so-ideal ex and ask, “Are those feelings similar to how you felt about your parents?”
Examine the relationship and the role each person played. Take stock of the relationship lessons you learned from your family. Use journaling or voice notes to record your insights.
“Once you begin to see and understand the need to remain with something familiar, perhaps that part of you can let go of the past to move toward something healthier,” says Peters.
Nurture healthy attachments.
Embrace connections where you can safely be yourself. Honjiyo says this can help reorient your attachment style. “This can be done through therapy, a boss, a friendship, or even through your experience parenting your own child/children,” she says.
It’s also helpful to date yourself. As Peterson explains, “This means investing time and effort into understanding your interests, passions, and values and nurturing your self-esteem and emotional health. When you know and love yourself deeply, you’re more likely to seek partners who respect and enhance your well-being rather than those who diminish it.”
Pause and seek assistance.
If you experience a familiar relationship pattern, speak to a therapist. Hope says, “If you are allowing crumbs, if you are allowing someone to treat you badly, if you are masking your authentic self, if you are afraid of being alone – you must stop and heal. Or you will only repeat and find another relationship that brings up that issue for you.”
A therapist can help identify patterns while providing the tools to make different, healthier choices.
As Peters reminds us, “You can’t change who your parents are,” but she adds, “you can make different choices in your intimate partners.”
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