SEX FILES: Practical tips for overcoming heartbreak
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On Saturday, I met up with two close girlfriends for a rare night out at our local wine bar. Over glasses of Pinot Gris, we caught up on our respective lives. W09hile sharing stories about my recent travels, I had a strange realization – I hadn’t smiled quite that wide in a while. I felt happy and excited about what life had in store.
While I’m still processing everything that happened in 2023 (a tumultuous year punctuated by the death of my father and an upsetting breakup), I’m feeling more like myself.
I still miss my dad every day – something that I know will never change – but the pain of my romance gone wrong has faded in the rearview.
Everyone’s experience with loss is unique, but here are a few tactics that helped me overcome my heartbreak.
1. Learning a new skill.
In January, I took a chance and booked a week at a surf retreat in Nicaragua. It was one of the most physically challenging weeks of my adult life but also one of the best things I’ve ever done. As a total newbie, my body ached at the end of each day. By the end of the week, I’d learned to surf.
Challenging my body and mind to learn something new filled me with a deep sense of pride. It was the perfect reminder that I could do hard things – whether learning to shred waves in my 40s or getting through a difficult breakup.
2. Getting out of your head and into your body.
Inspired by my stint learning to surf, I recently joined a gym that offers weightlifting classes for women – another activity, like surfing, I never thought I’d try.
I have anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder, so it’s so easy for me to get stuck in my thoughts. While it’s important to feel all your feelings, going to the gym (even when I’d rather hide under a pile of blankets) helps me get out of my head and the house daily. Lifting heavy things has helped me feel strong, confident, and accomplished, even on my worst days. The endorphins also don’t hurt.
If you’re still in the throes of grief, moving your body – even gently – can be incredibly beneficial. Go for a walk, stretch your body, touch your grass – it all helps.
3. Experiencing a change of scenery.
In my case, I needed a few days away from the rainy West Coast winter. Going to the Dominican Republic in December helped shake me out of my depression. If a getaway isn’t in the cards at the moment, find ways to change the scenery. Get a haircut. Download a new lock screen for your phone. Take a different route to work and buy your coffee from a new cafe. With new scenery comes new perspectives.
4. Speaking to a therapist.
If you’re currently going through a breakup or the loss of a loved one, there’s no better time to seek the support of a licensed therapist. After my breakup, my therapist helped me untangle complicated feelings, so I could see the situation clearly and take steps to move forward. Working with a mental health professional has also helped me manage my anxiety around dating and gain a better understanding of what I want from a relationship in the future.
5. Being open and vulnerable with loved ones.
At first, I didn’t want to tell people about the dissolution of my relationship because frankly, I was embarrassed. I’m a relationship columnist. I should have known better or seen it coming. I also didn’t want to be the person in my friend group to bring down the mood with my traumatic breakup story. However, once I finally opened up to my loved ones, I started to feel better.
When you’re authentically yourself and honest about your experiences, it gives the people around you the opportunity to get to know the real you and support you. My friends and family validated my feelings and confirmed that I wasn’t overreacting – my ex’s behaviour was incredibly hurtful and I had every reason to be upset.
When in doubt, deactivate your Teflon emotional shield and let people in.
I promise this heartbreak gets better.
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